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Do you want help being a better parent? The enneagram can help! Here are parenting tips for Enneagram 9 parents!
If you are a parent, it will come as no surprise to you to hear that parenting is tough. When you are a parent, you look for any information that can help you out.
The enneagram is one such information source that can be a great benefit to you as a parent!
The enneagram can help you understand yourself better so that you can be a better parent.
Do You Know Your Enneagram Type?
I don’t mean that you took a fun test one day and it gave you a number. Tests as fun as they can be, are not very accurate (enneagram tests are only up to 70% accurate).
You can take a test to help you whittle your options down but then I recommend taking your top 3-5 scores and digging into the core motivations to confirm your type.
You can also check out my post on how to find your type for more info.
Once you know your enneagram type, then we can start learning how the enneagram can help you parent your children better.
Do I Need To Know My Child’s Enneagram Type?
No! You do not need to know your child’s type. In fact, I’d almost say you shouldn’t.
While kids do have their enneagram type set from a very young age (by age 3) it does not mean that you can accurate guess they type.
In fact, you can’t accurately guess ANYBODY’s type! This is because a person’s enneagram type is not determined by their actions but rather their core motivation and you can’t see core motivation.
So save the typing of your kids until they are old enough to discover their own type. Instead, let’s just focus on the one area where you can succeed… yourself!
Tips for Enneagram 9 Parents
If you are a type 9 parent, you are probably concerned with being accepting and easy going, unconditional love, showing support, listening to everyone, being fair and sharing, and being diplomatic.
These are important traits to you and you are probably trying to instill them in your children. – All good things!
Your Parenting Style as a Type 9
Each enneagram type has their own parenting style which is built around their enneagram type and core motivation.
As a type 9 parent, your parenting style likely includes being the “nice parent”, mediating between siblings or friends, and making sure your child is always looking out for others (lots of emphasis on sharing with others).
What You Might Project on Your Kids as a Type 9
Each enneagram type, comes with a wounding message. The wounding message is something we actually heard or simply perceived when we were young and we’ve never been able to escape it.
For a type 9 parent, your wounding message is “It’s not okay to assert yourself”. You’ve had this (or a form of this) rattling around in your head since childhood and it’s now a driving force for all your actions.
Because of this, it’s all too easy for your wounding message to become projected on to your kids. As you are so caught up with not being assertive or rocking the boat, it overflows to your children as you may feel like if they assert themselves, you will loose your peace.
This is an area you will want to be extra mindful of when raising your children. Be aware of when your wounding message is taking over and try arguing back with it; reminding yourself that it IS okay if you assert yourself and if your CHILDREN assert themselves. Asserting yourself does not make you in conflict or fragmented from others (it actually allows others to know you better so that your full presence is valued).
Stress Triggers to Be Aware of as a Type 9
Parenting is stressful for any type but each type have particular things that are more likely to be stress triggers.
Being aware of these stress triggers allows you to either preemptively avoid them or to give yourself (and your children) grace when they do occur knowing that you might need a little extra self care.
Stress triggers for a type 9 include: when there is conflict and fighting within the home, feeling pressured to make a decision, not knowing what you really want, saying yes when you wanted to say no, not feeling listened to or noticed, your children taking advantage of you, and falling behind on tasks.
Parenting Growth Work for a Type 9
As a type 9 parent, you’ll want to work on not procrastinating (or giving equal priority to everything) and allowing yourself prioritize and conquer tasks (learn to harness your line to type 3).
You will want to work on giving yourself permission to say no when you mean no. Your children will still love you and you’ll be more respected for saying what you actually mean.
Recognize that avoiding conflict doesn’t remove the conflict. Instead learn how to fully resolve issues so that everyone can enjoy peace at the end.
Try noticing when you are zoning out. Have you not been getting enough time for your self? Have you been pleasing everyone without taking care of your needs?
This is a tough one but work on setting boundaries in order to avoid merging with your kids’ lives. I’m definitely not saying that you shouldn’t take an interest in your child’s life but what the activities they do, the opinions they have… do not need to be yours. Be your own person.
Other great posts to check out to help you understand your type more:
Enneagram Core Motivations
Enneagram Centers of Intelligence
The 27 Subtypes (learn how your subtype changes the hue of your type)
The Enneagram and Parenting (for all nine types!)
Helpful Enneagram Parenting Books
Knowing Me, Knowing Them: Understanding Your Parenting Personality by Discovering the Enneagram
Knowing Your Parenting Personality