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You’ve found your enneagram type and are thus understanding yourself better. Now how about learning what you need to know if you’re in a relationship with other enneagram types?
If you are married or in a close relationship to someone who is a different enneagram type than you, you might not understand them.
Conflicts arise easily, they seem to have totally different triggers than you, and they get stressed out in a totally different way.
Enneagram Relationship Tips
You won’t find a nice bullet point list of things you need to do or say… but you can find that in my post: How to Get Along With Each Enneagram Type.
Instead you will find the deep information that will help you if you’re in a relationship with other enneagram types.
You’ll learn what is at the root of what they do, what their wounding message is (so you can avoid triggering it!), how they handle conflict, and yes, even how they get stressed.
Learn this info and then REMEMBER it!
Because in the heat of the moment you won’t remember unless you have previously cemented it in your mind.
What You Need to Know If You’re In A Relationship With Other Enneagram Types
What You Need To Know If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 1
Core Motivation for Type 1
A type 1’s core desire is to be good/right and their core fear is being bad/wrong. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to make mistakes.” As a result they long to hear, “You are good.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 1.
Conflict Style for Type 1
Type 1s are in the competency group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the competency group means that type 1s put emphasis on being competent in a conflict by being correct and sensible. They manage their feelings by squashing them down and denying them, channeling their feelings into activity instead.
How to Relate to a 1 in Conflict
Get into problem solving mode with them. Stick to the facts and insights. Limit emotional reactions and positive sayings that do not contain solutions.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 1s in Stress
When under stress, 1s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being critical, judgmental, perfectionistic.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 4’s unhealthy traits such as being moody, irritable, envious, withdrawing.
Reason to Know Type 1 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (1s can harness the healthier traits of 4 by taking walks in nature, listening to music, creating art.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 2
Core Motivation for Type 2
A type 2’s core desire is to be wanted/needed/loved and their core fear is being unwanted/not needed/unlovable. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to have your own needs” As a result they long to hear, “You are wanted and loved for just being you.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 2.
Conflict Style for Type 2
Type 2s are in the positive outlook group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the positive group means that type 2s put emphasis on their own positive self image. They avoid their own needs and disappointment and instead emphasize others’ needs.
How to Relate to a 2 in Conflict
Give them plenty of time to verbally process. Be mindful of your words and body language. Limit negative emotional reactions and being too logical.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 2s in Stress
When under stress, 2s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being prideful, manipulative, martyrish.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 8’s unhealthy traits such as being demanding, controlling, blunt.
Reason to Know Type 2 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (2s can harness the healthier traits of 8 by having some solo self-care time and making use of physical activity.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 3
Core Motivation for Type 3
A type 3’s core desire is to be valued/admired and their core fear is being not valued/not admired. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to have your own feelings and identity.” As a result they long to hear, “You are valued for simply being you.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 3.
Conflict Style for Type 3
Type 3s are in the competency group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the competency group means that type 3s put emphasis on being competent in a conflict by being efficient and outstanding. They manage their feelings by repressing them and focusing on tasks instead.
How to Relate to a 3 in Conflict
Get into problem solving mode with them. Don’t exaggerate your more negative emotions; 3s like to stay positive.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 3s in Stress
When under stress, 3s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being vain, inauthentic, validation needy.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 9’s unhealthy traits such as being apathetic, self-doubting, disengaged.
Reason to Know Type 3 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (3s can harness the healthier traits of 9 by connecting with others without any goals in mind.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 4
Core Motivation for Type 4
A type 4’s core desire is to be authentic/to find meaning and their core fear is not being authentic/having no meaning or identity. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to be too much or not enough.” As a result they long to hear, “You are seen for who you are.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 4.
Conflict Style for Type 4
Type 4s are in the reactive group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the reactive group means that type 4s react to the conflict with strong emotions. They will withdraw and yet often seek a rescuer (someone to understand them). They deal with others by testing the strength of their relationship by limiting access (push/pull relationship).
How to Relate to a 4 in Conflict
Give them plenty of time to express themselves. Don’t tell them that they are being overly sensitive or dramatic. Limit being too logical and positive sayings that do not allow the more negative emotions.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 4s in Stress
When under stress, 4s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being moody, temperamental, withdrawn.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 2’s unhealthy traits such as people pleasing, testing relationships, flattering.
Reason to Know Type 4 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (4s can harness the healthier traits of 2 by loving others with their unique natural talents, volunteering, and getting creative.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 5
Core Motivation for Type 5
A type 5’s core desire is to be competent/capable and their core fear is incompetent/incapable/invaded. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to be comfortable in the world.”
That wounding message is trick to understand so here’s a different explanation: “It’s not ok to let your guard down because if you do, then you won’t have enough (energy, skills, knowledge) to survive.” As a result they long to hear, “Your needs are not a problem.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 5.
Conflict Style for Type 5
Type 5s are in the competency group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the competency group means that type 5s put emphasis on being competent in a conflict by being an expert and having information. They manage their feelings by detaching from them and staying cerebral instead.
How to Relate to a 5 in Conflict
Respect their limited energy reserves. Keep things private and stick to the facts. Limit emotional reactions and positive sayings that do not contain solutions.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 5s in Stress
When under stress, 5s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being withdrawn, cynical, stingy.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 7’s unhealthy traits such as being dissatisfied, indulgent, distracted.
Reason to Know Type 5 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (5s can harness the healthier traits of 7 by doing something fun, indulging a bit, brainstorming ideas.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 6
Core Motivation for Type 6
A type 6’s core desire is to be secure/supported and their core fear is being without support/not being secure. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to trust yourself.” As a result they long to hear, “You are safe and secure.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 6.
Conflict Style for Type 6
Type 6s are in the reactive group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the reactive group means that type 6s react to the conflict with strong emotions. They react by assessing people and situations. They will seek independence but also support. They deal with others by being committed and reliable.
How to Relate to a 6 in Conflict
Focus on being loyal, committed, and truthful. Ask if they want to talk now or after a bit of processing time. Limit being too logical and positive sayings that do not acknowledge the 6’s concerns.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 6s in Stress
When under stress, 6s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being self-doubting, anxious, hyper-vigilant.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 3’s unhealthy traits such as being afraid of failure, keeping busy to distract themselves, image-conscious, competitive.
Reason to Know Type 6 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (6s can harness the healthier traits of 3 by efficiently working on projects and optimistically problem solving.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
What You Need To Know If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 7
Core Motivation for Type 7
A type 7’s core desire is to be satisfied/content and their core fear is being deprived/trapped in emotional pain. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not to depend on others for anything.” As a result they long to hear, “You will be taken care of.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 7.
Conflict Style for Type 7
Type 7s are in the positive outlook group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the positive outlook group means that type 7s put emphasis on the positive experiences and environment. They over emphasize their own needs and are easily burdened by others’ needs.
How to Relate to a 7 in Conflict
Keep discussions creative and positive. Don’t trap them in a long negative conversation. Limit more negative emotional reactions and focusing only on the problems.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 7s in Stress
When under stress, 7s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being unfocused, indulgent, escapists.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 1’s unhealthy traits such as being critical, pessimistic, angry when things don’t go their way.
Reason to Know Type 7 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (7s can harness the healthier traits of 1 by exploring their feelings, breaking their plans into small steps, making a schedule.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 8
Core Motivation for Type 8
A type 8’s core desire is to be independent/protect themselves and their core fear is being controlled/harmed. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to be vulnerable or trust anyone.” As a result they long to hear, “You will not be betrayed.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 8.
Conflict Style for Type 8
Type 8s are in the reactive group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the reactive group means that type 8s react to the conflict with strong emotions. They react by openly expressing anger and seek independence. They deal with others by keeping their guard up.
How to Relate to an 8 in Conflict
Be confident and meet them with your own strength. Remember that they have a soft side under their hard shell. Limit being overly logical or being passive to the issue.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 8s in Stress
When under stress, 8s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being controlling, intimidating, rebellious.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 5’s unhealthy traits such as being secretive, cynical, withdrawn.
Reason to Know Type 8 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (8s can harness the healthier traits of 5 by researching solutions, working through stress logically with someone.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
What You Need to Know If You’re In A Relationship With a Type 9
Core Motivation for Type 9
A type 9’s core desire is to be at peace/harmonious and their core fear is separation/conflict. Their wounding message which they believe is true is “It’s not ok to assert yourself.” As a result they long to hear, “Your presence matters.”
Reasons the Core Motivation is Important
When you understand another type’s core motivation, you will be able to understand why certain things are so important to them. You’ll be more aware of words or actions that are hurtful or triggering to a type 9.
Conflict Style for Type 9
Type 9s are in the positive outlook group when it comes to handling conflict.
Being in the positive outlook group means that type 9s put emphasis on the positive qualities of others and their environment. They have problems with their needs and the needs of others.
How to Relate to a 9 in Conflict
Validate their opinions and perspectives (even if you have different ones). Give them plenty of time and patience to fully express themselves. Limit more negative emotional reactions and focusing only on the problem.
(For more info on conflict groups, check out my post on Harmonic Groups)
Type 9s in Stress
When under stress, 9s first dip into their type’s unhealthy traits such as being indecisive, passive aggressive, forgetful.
If stress continues or increases then they will move towards type 6’s unhealthy traits such as being anxious, self-doubting, defensive.
Reason to Know Type 9 Stress Behavior
When you know another type’s stress behavior, you can recognize when someone is starting to get stressed.
You can give more grace while they are under stress and help them harness the healthier traits of their stress number (9s can harness the healthier traits of 6 by finding solutions to their “what ifs”, supporting themselves and others.)
(Read my post on stress numbers for more info about the types under stress)
For more resources on what you need to know if you’re in a relationship with other enneagram types, I highly recommend these books:
Becoming Us by Beth & Jeff McCord (Christian based)
The Enneagram in Love by Stephanie Barron Hall
The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile (Christian based)
If you liked learning these tips for if you’re in a relationship with other enneagram types, you’ll want to check out these other posts:
How to Get Along With Each Enneagram Type
Harmonic Groups (aka Conflict Styles)
The Enneagram and Parenting
